The ground is not mine to walk upon.

Lately I've been feeling like I'm not all here. I don't know if that makes any sense, but I just get the weird sensation of not really... existing. It's a really strange thing to admit, I know, but it's always been an odd problem of mine. It's this thing called derealization, and I tend to get it in waves. Sometimes it's hitting me hard, and sometimes I don't feel it at all. I'm going through a wave of total cognizance of it right now, and it's not a good feeling. I sometimes wonder if anyone else has that feeling. I get a lot of insane notions in my head, now that I think about it. I feel like everything is out of my control, like I'm not a real person and my thoughts and emotions are controlled by some sadistic higher power. I want to be able to make myself feel safe and happy. I want to be able to go through just one night where I'm not out of my mind with anxiety. Why can't I make myself OK? Ugh, it's it's outragelously frustrating. I really run out of ways to calm myself down sometimes, and I would love to know what I can do about it. Maybe someday it will go away, but, I don't think it will be anytime soon...

Hmm....

So, because a couple friends of mine have blogs, I now have an audience (theoretically). So, I have decided to, once again, take up blogging on a semi-regular basis. Let's see, the last time I wrote in here was March 5th. Quite a bit has gone on since then. Well, OK, not really. But the things that DID happen were pretty significant. Making new friends, considering marriage, rejecting someone for the first time, getting one week away from graduation, moving... A lot, and in a short period of time. But, I am not sure I want this entry to simply be a chronicle of current events in my life. I think I'd like to take this post and make it about things I've learned, not things I've done.

For one, I've learned a lot about myself. For example, I have always known that I am an insecure person, but it had never occurred to me until recently just how deep that insecurity runs. My self-esteem is so low that I fall in love with every bit of attention that comes my way. I'm extraordinarily weak when it comes to compliments and undivided attention. I know that I already have all the attention I should really need, since I have a boyfriend that lives with me, and whom I love very much, plus friends who genuinely enjoy my company and whose company I genuinely enjoy, but I feel like I thrive on kind words from people. From all people, I'm not talking anyone specific. Just anyone who says anything remotely complimentary or thinks I'm enjoyable to be around. Not in a romantic way, necessarily. Even from females, I am overly enthusiastic when someone shows interest in being friends with me. I take the attention and jump on the chance to be close to them, and I think I come off a little too strongly with that. I think maybe people get annoyed with me, and quickly, and so I don't have too many close friends. It's inconvenient, really...

Also, I have learned that I am no good with stress. They say a little stress is a good thing, but I crumble under pressure. I am so nervous about graduating and going to college and getting a job and possibly getting married that I am having panic attacks even more than I already had. I am in a constant state of anxiety and mania. I've always had a problem with derealization, but, lately it's been especially bad. I feel like I can't handle all these changes and newfound responsibilities. I'm not meant to be a grown-up, to quote a certain Irish genius. I'm simply not mentally or emotionally equipped to run my own life. I am not nearly independent enough. I am supposed to take control and be an adult, but I don't think I can. I don't think I can do all that society expects of me. I don't think I can get a hold on reality long enough to really make it work. I hate being weak and I hate being an emotional invalid. And hmm, this post is taking a really self-deprecating turn.

Well, maybe I can learn to deal with these things. Maybe I'll become enough of my own person to get things together. Maybe this blog entry wasn't a good idea, but at least everyone knows what's going on with me. You know?

You've come a long way, baby.

Alright, so, I have been doing some internet reading on this website: http://www.truewoman.com/. I am not one to judge or to criticize anyone's beliefs, but I am a bit baffled as to how any woman would be able to agree with this website and what it says about a woman's "godly duty". The whole movement is centered around the belief that woman was made to serve man. Um... what? I'm sorry, but I think it's a little degrading to say that the whole point of being a woman is so that you can find a husband, get pregnant, and spend the rest of your life doting on him and your kids. The website even goes so far as to say it's selfish for a woman to remain single or to pursue a career. That's insane! How is it selfish to decide that marriage and/or children is not the right path for you? I do not understand how any self-respecting woman can acquiesce to this way of thinking. We're not inferior, and we certainly shouldn't be expected to get married and serve our husband "as Christ serves the Lord". I understand that some women would prefer a life as a stay-at-home mom/housewife, and that's fine, but it's important to recognize that there is a choice involved. Marriage isn't necessary. Kids are not necessary. It's not selfish to decide to lead a life as a single woman or as a mother with a career. We are not the inferior sex, ladies. There is no such thing, man and woman are equal. What the hell was feminism for if not to perpetuate that belief? But, oh, actually, the "True Woman" movement thinks the feminist movement was a big step backwards because it brought women out of the home to pursue a life as something other than just a wife and a mother, which is apparently all we should aspire to be. How can anyone believe that? I'm sorry, but if I ever decide to get married, it's going to be an equal partnership. My husband is NOT the head of the household because he's the man, no one is going to be the leader. Isn't that what marriage is about? Ugh... I'm sorry, I know it's their prerogative to live a life of "liberation through submission", but it seems to me it's not a choice that they are making, but rather one that's being made for them. I think it's really sad...

I need some motivation.

So, I found out today that I am on academic probation... again. Since I got to Valley Oaks in the 8th grade, I've been on academic probation a total of 4 times, counting this time. I feel like such a slacker and I hate it. What's worse is that I thought I was doing relatively well on my school work so far. Apparently I have nothing higher than a B-. I know I'm not stupid, but, being lazy isn't really all that much of a better character trait. I'm in danger of not graduating, according to my teachers, and now I am stressing big time. As if I wasn't inordinately anxious already. Oh well, I guess that's just the way the cookie crumbles. I'll deal with it. Shouldn't be too hard right? I can't believe I am not even doing well in English, though. English is my forte, and I have a 77%. What the hell is that? I'm getting to complacent. I need some kind of ambition. Where can I find that? It certainly can't be found anywhere at Valley Oaks. I have little to no motivation and it's taking it's toll on my academic performance. Hopefully high school doesn't matter as much as it's being made out to be. I think I would excel in college, much more so than in high school. I like the concept of getting to study what I want to, instead of what I have to. We'll see come fall, I guess.

I'm gonna get started.

So, I kind of forgot I even had this thing, and I decided I'd like to start it up, and for real this time. I'm going to put the word out there, get some readers, spark some interest. I'd like to start posting every day, like you're supposed to. For now, I guess I'll just do a recap of the past month or so for the people who I plan to recruit as an audience.

Well, I was legalized in January, finally. I'm 18 and I must say, it's not all it's cracked up to be. The only real difference? I can buy Lotto tickets now. It's a milestone, I suppose, though. I've been given a lot more freedom by my mother, but I'm also carrying a few responsibilities. I pay for my own stuff now (besides my cell... soon, though) and I am on the lookout for a job. Nothing yet, but the yard sale I had put me up $225 bucks. Not bad for one Saturday morning.

Sam moved in with me about a month ago. It's been going incredibly well so far, and I'm hoping it will continue to. It's caused some tension between us and a few people, but, I think the awkwardness is slowly dying down. Hopefully soon everyone will be accepting of us. Not that nobody is on our side. Most of my family is incredibly supportive. I guess it's just a little more common on my side. He and I have been pooling our money together, and it hasn't been too incredibly difficult to buy our food and necessities (and even a few tiny luxuries), but I get that it's going to be a tough year or so. We're not moving out on our own just yet, but it's definitely in the cards. Until then, though, I'm loving how it's going so far. Not sleeping alone is quite lovely.

School is... eh, it's going, I guess. I'm a tad behind in a couple of classes, but I'm pretty much on par with everything. It's not intelligence I lack, just ambition. I'm a bit too lazy because I'm used to doing hardly anything and still getting by in everything. I didn't realize senior year required more than that. Only three more months, though; and then off to B.C. It's kind of my only option at the moment. We'll see where that takes me. I'm just going to start in the Spring, since I may be spending a few months in South America over the summer. Which, by the way, I'm stoked about.

Let's see, home life, school life, plans for the near future... Not much more to cover. After this, my blogs will be less diary entry and more... I can't really think of a term, I'm exhausted, but basically it will be more like other blogs. Opinions and thoughts and all that jazz. So, stay tuned.

Goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow.

Trust... and all it's difficulties.

I have a blatant problem with trusting people. I can't think of a single person that I trust unfailingly. There are way too many doubts and worries in my mind that keep me from being content for longer than five minutes at a time. There is something wrong with me, I honestly cannot accept any explanation that isn't the worst case scenario. I am given a perfectly good explanation that must be true (as it has been promised to me), but I go ahead and believe just what would make me want to cry my heart out. What do I have to do to be able to believe things people tell me? What is it like to trust so easily? I want to be able to hear an explanation for something bad and believe it. I want to trust in all the good things instead of the bad. I want to know that I'm not being lied to by the people I love most... I have the answers, I have the explanations, why can't I be satisfied? I'm trying, I really am. I'm reminding myself over and over that the people I love would never lie to me. But, it's so hard to believe that I can be happy... Help me.

Why haven't I been on here in 209302 years?

So, not a whole lot has gone on since last I blogged... Um, Sam got kicked out of VOCS (boo!) but, he got into an even better school (yay!). I had a few run-ins with Miss Oesch, aka, modern day Hitler, but I stood my ground and she's backing off a bit (I was nothing but polite, I promise!). Oh, and May Extravaganza was fantastic. Blaahhh, but, lately, I've really come to realize how much I dislike certain people... Who shall remain unnamed. But, the two people I am thinking of are obnoxious, pretentious, self-involved, fake, and overall unlikeable people. Oh well, I will just remember to keep my distance, I guess...

I am in Tehachapi now. I hate sleeping in other people's houses. I am fine in hotels, i just can't be in another person's home and sleep well.